Monday, February 13, 2012

battle royale: coon style

remember the story of the scary neighbor and how we had a dead guy, a tub, and this cat scared to answer her door? well that place was just a obliteration of the whacky castle. you know, sort of like the twilight zone all put  recreated in one of those fun houses.

so one night i'm doing the dishes. you know, out in the boonies. alone.
surrounded by corn fields, weed fields, make-shift swamps, and a lot of darkness. (why did i move there?)
all of a sudden i hear a loud BANG! knowing full well that darn raccoon was back. back with a purpose. back with a mission to get into *my* garbage cans which were not welcoming nor vacant. so i opened the door, like i normally did and shooed it away (i know completely rational when dealing with a wild animal) and then i banged my feet on the deck and yelled "GOOOO AWAY" (again completely logical that speaking to the wild animal would do anything Like you probably guessed it, this did nothing. in fact, it backfired.

this beast was ready to unleash his inner-cracken. the ungodly beast pounced at me. of course due to my stellar  wilderness skills i had pre-planned my attack and guarded myself with my screen door. i jumped and screeched and slammed the door. now, now it was on. that furry little ball of pure evil was going down.

naturally, i got the broom. we all know that the coon is going to run screaming due to the big bad broom coming at it. so i sheilded myself, again, with the door. BAM! I was shooing it away with the broom. seriously, it hissed at me... again, jumping in the house and slamming the door. next, next i was going to do the ignore tactic. take the stinky garbage you trashfiend, i do not care. i finished up my dishes and looked out the window. to my surprise that beast was in my window staring at me. yes that's right he was staring at me. we now have the next stalkercoon. better check your windows ladies. honestly, this was creepy. i don't care what anyone says.. coon or not. he was stalking me and i wasn't down with that noise.

i left that window. it won't follow me, whyyy would it follow me. oh it soooooooooooo followed me. called my mom, cause duh, we have a situation here people. her advice, get a can of hairspray and a lighter scare it by enormous flame. fyi, didn't work. neither did a knife (because i'm a ninja) duct taped to the end of that same broom. yes, these were all logical and rational responses to cracken the stalkercoon - all of them failed, epically.

eventually, he went away. he never did get into my trash bin. yessssss.

roundhouse kicks. stacey - 1 coon - 0. take that beast.

that was the last i ever saw of him. i'm going to guess he found a new garbage bin stacey to terrorize.

as you know, i've moved since. no cracken stalkercoons to report. win.

1 comment:

  1. This story still cracks me up...stalkercoon, priceless!