ever wonder?

still to this day i wonder constantly what.the.hell i was thinking when starting this blog. then i remember: oh right, i wanted to feel like i owned a little piece of interwebz & jott down those lovely moments with the nuggets. & hey, if others read it then that's awesome, if not no sweat off my brow. but i can't stop thinking that this entire blog isn't about readership. numbers, & becoming the next "blogger extraordinaire"; it's about channeling my inner writer & allowing me to document everything that comes up whether someone else finds it blog worthy or not, i wanted to share it. that's right what.i.want.to. 

lately i've been re-evaluating the reason for blogging, the content of my blog posts, & overall what i'm looking (inside of me) to achieve. i've always looked towards well established bloggers for that insight & have always been suppressed with the warm & cheery nature of most bloggers. most of these ladies are absolutely lovely & to be honest i have many blog crushes. i mean who wouldn't want to parallel lives like theirs. it's nice to find others that enjoy little tidbits the same as i do.

i've been reading specific blogs for quite sometime. been an avid follower of a handful since being introduced to the blogosphere and thought it fascinating because of these specific ladies. today i became extremely disappointed, & i never ever thought that these words would enter my head. since when did becoming a blogsnot ever look like a nice colour on you? i was incredibly discouraged today whilst reading my twitter feed to find out that the word "copy" was being thrown around. i'm not sure if you haven't noticed, but most content & blogs tend to mimic each other. the content is nearly the same some how or another - i mean we're all human and we just so happen to to enjoy the same things - i didn't think that this was a newflash. i'm not sure that's copying in the least. i'm pretty sure that person got their idea from somewhere else; whom got it from somewhere else; &the endless cycle of getting the idea from someone else repeats over & over again. so how is it copying if the idea wasn't necessarily yours in the first place? (did you keep up with me there?)

i guess this is all coming out making me look like a crazy person. but i, as a blogger, get frustrated knowing that my tiny piece of the interwebz will never be viewed as apart of those blogs that stand up shouting "look at me! look at me!", no matter how hard i try. & it became clear to me today when i realized that this is more so a popularity contest. so here i sit, pondering the existence of my bloggy. where do i fit in? how do i keep from pushing the delete button?

have any of you faced this struggle?

then i go back to that first day i opened it. finally taking the plunge after having months and months of thoughts processing in my brain thinking "wow! i should blog this" but i was afraid of what i saw today & now it's right there, infront of my face. i was afraid of being disappointed. afraid that i would be perceived as not good enough and not accepted. i can say that i don't care anymore about readership etc. but the followers that i do have, i feel incredibly blessed to be apart of their read whether it be daily or every few days. that means i've reached to somebody & i'd be lying if i said that i didn't love it.

so thank you to my faithful readers. i appreciate you, every single one of you.