nerves

 
throughout this blog i have added tidbits of my life as a single mother here & there. but up until now i've never really dished the details, & to save rehashing a lot of craptastic experiences that are in the past i'll open up a little as to how we have gotten to where we are now & how we keep moving forward. this all in light of another court appearance tomorrow. the joys.

my ex and i, whom i'll refer to as db. met & quickly jumped on the "starting a life together" bandwagon. although both babies were planned, our first {K} pregnancy could go down in the history books as the worst possible pregnancy ever. a lot of hospital stays, a lot of pain, extreme amounts of puke, a lot of  bad experiences that didn't make me the happiest person in the world &added an extreme amount of stress & pressure to our relationship.

after k was born he was in and out of the hospital, going through a ton of tests & kept us wondering if we were going to see him grow as he was failure to thrive and there was no reason as to why. at 4mos old, we found out we were pregnant- again. smart, i know! haha. we planned #2 figuring k would be 6-8mos (if not older) by the time we conceived. WRONG. so we persevered & although this pregnancy was very different, it was still hell.

after lou was born, our life was turned upside down. now we had two young children whom were both sick and we were going through test after test with both of them not knowing what was wrong. ensue severe colic; screeching baby 20hrs a day, enter broken relationship. i'm pretty sure i hated him from that point on. i thought he was lazy, i thought he was selfish, and i figured out that he really didn't want this family that he was cheering for all along. he couldn't handle it.

i have never felt more alone. my goal in the entire situation was to either fix it, or earn my way out of it. either way, things had to change. i couldn't take it anymore & i needed to be happy. the straw that broke the camels back? i got sick. i ended up extremely sick & we found out i had crohns disease & ulcerative coleitis. this was enough to send him into a tailspin & he started making choices for our family (unbeknownst to me) that ended up with us homeless, broke, & i was standing at my parents door -car full to the brim- with my two young children asking for their help. broken.

after this, he was basically non-existent. come to find out he was living a double life and he disappeared off the face of the earth. ensue filing for custody due to his non-existence & him creating a new life with this new person. the funny thing is, i wasn't sad over this, not for myself anyways. i earned my way out - we didn't work, and we would never work again. it just wasn't meant to be. i was only sad for my children. this man that is their 'father' abandoned them for a "new" life. a life that didn't include children.

enter now almost two year court battle. a battle i don't think he's fighting. this man that calls himself a 'father' can't even call his children  back when they leave messages on his answering machine. this man whom refuses to answer the phone even in emergency situations then makes face to give me backlash about my means of contacting him whilst in the middle of said emergency. ludicrous.

my goal in this fight over custody is only one thing. my children are happy.  of course, i want them safe, healthy, etc etc. but happiness is number one.

this past weekend  before they had their supervised visit at the center. k looked extremely sad. so i asked him what was up. his response: "i'm sad because i miss daddy & want to spend more time with him". talk about breaking my heart. maybe this struggle inside of him with anger is not that he doesn't like these visits in fact it's the opposite. he isn't satisfied with the amount of time he has to spend with his dad. so, my strategy for court tomorrow - changed. if k wants more time, k shall get more time. this was always the goal, however without consistency i wasn't going to give it. it is too difficult on my children. it breaks their spirit & i refuse to allow that. someone needs to speak for them & my little boy no longer needs me to speak for him; he can speak for himself.

so although i am not sure how this will go over, i'm guessing great. i am still nervous. i have a million & one things buzzing around my head. what if db refuses this. he has never accepted a "meeting halfway" agreement. that is why this has been the longest custody case - ever. he is only worried about himself. &now. i feel like i'm giving in and not fighting for what i was before, their happiness. however, i have realized, i still am. i am and will always be the number one promoter of their relationship as long as i know it's growing into what it should.

this fight isn't about me. if it were, i'd keep them to myself & never share. that isn't what my children need though, so i won't do it. this is about them & their future. so court, here i come. are you ready for me?

*sigh* i'm still full of nerves.