battle royale: coon style

via.

remember the story of the scary neighbor and how we had a dead guy, a tub, and this cat scared to answer her door? well that place was just a obliteration of the whacky castle. you know, sort of like the twilight zone all put  recreated in one of those fun houses.

so one night i'm doing the dishes. you know, out in the boonies. alone.
surrounded by corn fields, weed fields, make-shift swamps, and a lot of darkness. (why did i move there?)
all of a sudden i hear a loud BANG! knowing full well that darn raccoon was back. back with a purpose. back with a mission to get into *my* garbage cans which were not welcoming nor vacant. so i opened the door, like i normally did and shooed it away (i know completely rational when dealing with a wild animal) and then i banged my feet on the deck and yelled "GOOOO AWAY" (again completely logical that speaking to the wild animal would do anything what.so.ever). Like you probably guessed it, this did nothing. in fact, it backfired.

this beast was ready to unleash his inner-cracken. the ungodly beast pounced at me. of course due to my stellar  wilderness skills i had pre-planned my attack and guarded myself with my screen door. i jumped and screeched and slammed the door. now, now it was on. that furry little ball of pure evil was going down.

naturally, i got the broom. we all know that the coon is going to run screaming due to the big bad broom coming at it. so i sheilded myself, again, with the door. BAM! I was shooing it away with the broom. seriously, it hissed at me... again, jumping in the house and slamming the door. next, next i was going to do the ignore tactic. take the stinky garbage you trashfiend, i do not care. i finished up my dishes and looked out the window. to my surprise that beast was in my window staring at me. yes that's right he was staring at me. we now have the next stalkercoon. better check your windows ladies. honestly, this was creepy. i don't care what anyone says.. coon or not. he was stalking me and i wasn't down with that noise.

i left that window. it won't follow me, whyyy would it follow me. oh it soooooooooooo followed me. called my mom, cause duh, we have a situation here people. her advice, get a can of hairspray and a lighter scare it by enormous flame. fyi, didn't work. neither did a knife (because i'm a ninja) duct taped to the end of that same broom. yes, these were all logical and rational responses to cracken the stalkercoon - all of them failed, epically.

eventually, he went away. he never did get into my trash bin. yessssss.

roundhouse kicks. stacey - 1 coon - 0. take that beast.

that was the last i ever saw of him. i'm going to guess he found a new garbage bin stacey to terrorize.

as you know, i've moved since. no cracken stalkercoons to report. win.

flashback to that story.

via

did i ever tell you that story about a teensy-tiny fear that i had when my ex and i split up? the one where i irrationally put myself as the main character in a letskillthatnewneighbourgirl film. totes did it.

oh wait, it totes came true. well, kinda.

so after the db & i hit splitsville (enter sob story) i landed myself on my parents door step two small babes in tow with nowhere to go *insert violins* anywhoo, like the bees knees parents that i have, they took us in and i worked diligently towards finding a place for the babes and i to call our own. which i did.

it was in a tiny little hamlet 10 minutes from my parents. however, far from an actual town. set in the middle of a field that mimicked corn, but turns out it was just a bunch of weeds that turned into a mock swamp in the springtime. (funny story with the mock swamp that involved a car, ginormica horasaurus, and a db) anyhoot - moving on. imagine being all alone with two babes sleeping in, what seems, the darkest nights are upon you. where you can't hear/see anything. not many neighbours, not to mention, theeee most irrational fears on the face of the planet. yes, i am a riddled with dramatic antics and succumb to paralyzing anxiety.

fast-forward to living in my own place for about 5 weeks. it's winter, cold, la-de-da! you can just picture it. 9pm. kids are sleeping & i was watching the bachelor, alone. i'm sitting in a big comfy chair perusing facebook the interwebz when i hear a wailing noise followed by something banging repeatedly at my side-door like i was the target for the newest LOUDEST serial killer, or children of the corn, on an escapade to taunt me, play with my like a predator plays with its food, finally catches me after a quick jaunt, then enter my irrefutable death.

i remember the exact moment and the emotions i felt. i wanted to die right there (dramatic right??). melt into the chair and act like there was nothing beating my door completely sane, right? or insane? who knows but this moment i was looking for anything to avert my attention from the incessant bashing noises coming from my door.

as i sit there, still, scenarios running through my mind (ridiculous ones) i slowly stand up. heart beating 23842342 miles a minute i creep towards the door. i closed my eyes, held my breath, and turned the sidelight on.

unsure as to what i was going to see when i opened my eyes. BAM! i hear/see her. i open the door and say "what's the matter how can i help you" (rational right?) then she proceeds to screech and roll around in my driveway. this was the moment, the moment i knew that i was safe. after she rolled around for a while, she got into a praying position against my deck and explained to me that she just found her boyfriend dead in the bottom of her tub "yousaidwhat!?" yes, that's right folks. my neighbour is dead in the bottom of his tub. &i'd like to share some other innocence shattering details but i'm such a giving person i shall spare you. but basically. dood is dead at the bottom of his tub due to a drug overdose.

so i ask, what i thought was a normal in this kind of situation, question. "did you call 911" after some more rolling around, i finally get out of her that they don't have a phone.  again, "yousaidwhat?" so i run inside grab my phone and call 911. of course, i got the 238423 questions from the operator (btw, thanks mrs!). she asked if *I* could go next door and pull him out of the tub to perform CPR on him. again, i repeat, "yousaidwhat!?" so i said to her - "let me get this straight, you want me to leave my small children - alone - in their beds sleeping whilst i go over next door, which isn't close by the way, to a naked man in a bathtub whom has done (leaving this part out of the story) that i've never met, and touch him." disclaimer: i am sorry to everyone who would jump right in there and help this person, but *i*..well i don't even do puke. i didn't know WHAT to do. so she sent the girlfriend, more or less i did, to go to him to see if there were any vital signs (she said he was dead, remember) while i ran to the end of my driveway to show the firetruck/ambulance which house this has all taken place.

when the firetruck pulled up, it was my good friend dougie. Hi Dougie!! he had a good chuckle at my expense. again, if you know me? poster child for finding myself in awkward situations.

turns out the guy did od and well he refused medical treatment. this is where i should insert don't do drugs mofos. on the plus side? i wasn't the the leading actress in a horror film and although my fears did come, somewhat, to fruition - i faced them. that's what i tell myself anyways!

roundhouse kicks.

i will tell you, i have since moved. i now live in town. a secured apartment building and here i shall stay. if someone knocks at my door in the middle of the night i.do.not.answer. pretty much if you know me? don't knock late at night fool you will not catch me, kapeesh?

tuesday fright night

{source}

i am sitting at the computer desk in my parents livingroom. 11pm.start feeling a tad parched and proceeded to venture up to the kitchen to take care of my problem.
on my jaunt to the kitchen i glanced into the front entrance way, noticing how dark it seemed to me, but didn't think anything of it. i poured myself a glass of water (i know im boring) and worked my way back down the stairs to the computer desk. glancing back into the entrance way on my way by.

paralizing fear swept over me. 

i stopped dead in my tracks.

i had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that i always get as the music plays right before the murder takes place in a horror film. so i stood there, deer in headlights; glaring.

am i imagining this?

i kindly bolt out my brothers name "dustin?"
no reply.

this time, not as kindly, i belt out "dustin!"
again, no reply.

now i'm literally shaking , still in the same spot i started, haven't moved an inch.

one last time, i bellow, "dustin! you better not be fucking with me!!"
it's only logical that my little brother would be inside of the house trying to be a dick, right?
the paralyzing fear started to go away slowly and with no noise or movement in the area i went on my way back on the computer desk.

i couldn't get the feeling to subside completely, so i texted my brother.

me: "where are you??"
dustin: "at a friends around the corner, why?"
me: "are you fucking with me? i swear to ... "
then..
silence.
me: "i am serious WHERE ARE YOU???"

nothing.

so im now replaying the entire scenario out to my friends via: msn. all of a sudden i have this awful feeling run over me and realize that the light was now, off. srsly.

for the love of michael meyers, i am in a horror film. i am finally convinced this shit is.happening. i'm not imagining it!

now i am feeling brave. i will check this out.. so i walk towards to front door.. slowly.. creeping..
open it up, walk outside, investigate.
the night is quiet, clear, and not a rustle in the bushes.

*BANG!*

i swing around convinced im going to piddle in my pants. &to my horror, the front door had closed shut.
i shrill starting to run towards the door like the asshole that i am.

i am quite aware of the "what not to do when you find yourself playing out a horror flick scene" rules.
the first rule would be this: if you encounter yourself outside and a door slams shut DO NOT RUN BACK IN THE HOUSE. i totally did. i am totally only going to be casted as the first character to die in this tragic horror flick. i was ready to run smack into a man with a butcher knife and a lovely mask screaming "please don't hurt me mister! i'll do anything! i.don't.want.to.diiiiiiiiie". <-- see this, i should have been an actress!

you'll be happy to know, i did not run into a creepy murderer on the loose. in fact, i walked back into a quiet house, still without my brother there, but ...

the light was back ON.

now im starting to get angry! what in thee hell is happening???

*ring ring* (my cell phone)

dustin: "what is your problem"
me: "are you in this house right now???"
dustin: "no??? im at a friends up the road, why?"
me: "thelightkeepsgoingonandoffandi......"
dustin: "i'll be right there!!!!!"
..silence..

within minutes the front door flies open and hes huffing and puffing wondering what the hell i was talking about. i explain it super fast and he now has the deer in the headlights look that i had when it first happened. so, like the awesome little brother he is, he went to the basement and all over the house, begrudgingly i might add, making sure that it was a psychotic mass murderer free zone &i could continue on with my night diaper-free with my head still attached to my body.

i will tell you, i did not sleep well. that actually is an understatement, i went to bed when the sun came up. i was still completely baffled as to what went on and why there was no explanation. there were no more light encounters that evening, no noise, no.. nothing. completely horror film free.

today whilst venturing back to my parents, i was informed that the light that was going on and off was in fact, dying. yes.. apparently the new fancy lightbulbs don't flicker like the older ones, they randomly go on and off until dead. (really, shouldn't there be written instructions for these things &be posted somewhere so you can ensure that these types of nights are prevented? common sense people!)

i was let aware that there wasn't a psychotic maniac trying to kill me. i guess i should be happy.

hmph.